Utopia:a) An ideally perfect place, especially in its social, political, and moral aspects. b) An impractical, idealistic scheme for social and political reform.

 An utopia for humankind is so easy to imagine and pontificate about, what we need is equal opportunity for all, all people clothed, fed, housed and not discriminated against on the basis of race, colour, religion, caste, creed and so on. What can then be Utopia for a marginalized, discriminated against, 50% of our society?

    What about discrimination against gender? The insidious perpetuation of daily injustices that form a woman's life. The oh so small, 'i can brush it away' differences, so small that 'it can hardly matter' kind of discrimination, so small that it is  way of life kind of discrimination. The kind of discrimination which if you raise your voice against, you are 'abused' by being called a feminist as if that's a rude word! 

  When we Indians talk of utopia, we call it 'Ram Rajya', the kingdom of Lord Ram, considered as an ideal ruler, son, husband and brother. The son who abdicated his throne to fulfill an oath given by his father to his stepmother and roamed the forests for 14 years as a hermit along with his wife, Sita and brother, Laxman. 

      

   Though it is a myth and is not meant to be taken literally, the questions it raises are many. The questions raised about Ram's motivation have been answered by many gyanis' to the satisfaction of their followers. My questions concern Sita. This obviously educated, privileged daughter, wife and bahu of kings, who followed her husband to vanvaas, to a life devoid of luxury and comforts she was used to, to be kidnapped, rescued and then to be accused of infidelity and asked to time and again prove herself innocent by virtue of hurling herself in the fire by this ideal husband.  Years later to prove that Luv and Kush are biologically Ram's children, she is once again asked to prove her fidelity to him but this time, she has had enough and she asks the earth (her mother) to subsume her. 

    My questions, dear Sita, to you are, why did you not raise your voice against this injustice then, the first time you were asked to prove your purity? Why did you not ask this man, your husband that if you had been raped by your kidnapper then what? would he have abandoned you right away? why were you asked to prove your innocence instead of him proving your guilt? Did you not ask, why he abandoned you, left you without resources, with no recourse to law and yet is idolized as the ideal man? Why did he not initiate a dialogue with you, inform you of his intentions to separate from you, rather than just dump you in the forest? Why did he not have enough courage to do it himself rather  asked his brother to do it for him? 

    Why did you (possibly in disgust) end your life, rather than take the route of law to protest against the injustices heaped upon you? Did you not have confidence in the law of the land? Did you not have courts to appeal for justice? Or were the courts, in your time too, slow in dispensing justice? 

Were you worried that society would not stand by you, that your family would ostracize you, if you created ripples?  

   Why did you  O Sitay, not go back home to your father? Were you ashamed of your predicament? Did you fear that he too would believe the public opinion about your infidelity? That he would turn you away from his doorstep? That he would not offer you a home regardless of your indiscretions? Did you believe that you no longer had a home there as you were married and could not lay claim to it? What were your motivations/ insecurities?

    And then there was Draupadi.... Brave, forthright, strong Draupadi, won by one man, married to 5, a Sakhi to another, Draupadi, lost like a bit of property to a game of chance by the husband called as Dharamraja, disrobed in a Sabha and not one raised voice to help her. Draupadi whose fate was sealed because as a wife she was the property of her husband and he could gamble her away.

   Draupadi's public humiliation  and Sita's parikshas evoke comparisons with women in present India being raped, tortured, murdered for the perceived guilt of their fathers/brothers/ husbands. Women treated as chattel, used to subdue dissent from their families. Women accused of crimes with no help from the society, family or law. Women expected to leave their careers, life, friends and move homes if husbands are transferred to another city. 

    Infinite inequalities are bestowed upon the female gender; the first to be pulled out of school when money is low, the last to be brought in for treatment of life threatening diseases; the first to be put to work when in need, the last to be fed when food is limited.

     Little, insidious things that escape notice in the regular course of life, these little insidious things that we end up believing as a way of life. 

Do not be smarter than your husband / brother / any man

Do not earn more than any male member of your family especially your husband

Do not question the status quo 

Do not have opinions of your own or at least do not express them verbally/ assertively

Do not believe that your money helps to run a household

Do not believe that you are as important as any male member of your family, extended family, neighborhood, society, country, or the world at large............

Utopia : an impractical, idealistic scheme for social and political reform.

Hiatus- a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. 2. a missing part; gap or lacuna

People have been questioning me on what next? What is your plan? How are you moving forward? What career path are you going to take? I can see the worry on my parents face, my siblings look askance, my friends nod their head when I say am on a hiatus to figure things out but I can see skepticism there too.

So what it is that I am really doing now?

 What is it that I want to do?

 Frankly, I don't have a clue! But then that is the reason for this hiatus....What a lovely word is this 'hiatus', it means both, being on a break or a missing part. This is what I feel, that I am on a break because a part of me is missing. I seem to have misplaced it in the innumerable compromises done at the altar of marriage or in the process of just living.

All the hard won independence, strength, ambition, given up because it is only 'right' to compromise in a relationship.
 Really??

I understand that we need to make some changes, some adjustments when we live in a family, certain habits that need to be fine-tuned so that we can comfortably co-exist.... But when we compromise and make changes to our core beliefs, our core personality, our core selves, then, are we truly living? Are we being true to our selves? Are we being who we are or are we donning a mantle that others expect of us? and then is this mantle who we are? The visceral need to be loved and liked by others is what makes us be somebody else. So then, do our compromises make us who we are?

I never understood characters in movies and books who went off to discover themselves and thought that it was very selfish of them especially when they left behind families and children to do so.  But the daily grind of living CAN rob you of the opportunity to self reflect, to introspect and really discover who you are. All our lives we spend living from moment to moment without realizing the many different aspects to ourselves...

 So, what AM I doing when on this hiatus?? I'm moving slowly, reading a lot, talking and connecting with a lot of people (so far only on social media), introspecting, watching a lot of movies, eating good food, thinking of exercising (ha! at least I am thinking, guys!) introspecting some more, forming an opinion on everything, talking to people about many career options, being envious of people who seem to have it together, and a lot of introspection, forming ideas and rejecting them......

There is/was a trend in western countries to take a year off and explore new countries, etc. which I am sure helped them to know what they wanted out of life. I wish our children will do this and know how to go about their lives better.

In my last post I mentioned the anthem I had adopted "Zindagi aa rahi hoon mein" and now I wish to tell this Zindagi, ke aaongi mein but give me this time to realise ke kiddhar jaaon mein.
After all I AM on a hiatus!!

   Today was the day I hammered the final nail in the coffin that was my marriage. The symbolism of the day cannot be missed. Millions of women are celebrating 'karva chauth', an ode to the man in their life, a prayer for their long life and a belief that for the next 7 birth cycles they would be husband and wife. I did not keep this 'fast'. Do not believe that my fasting for a day would contribute to the long life of my husband, I do not believe that regardless of my beliefs I should bow to convention and just do it. My naive, low on confidence self did do it once, for convention's sake, for what will people say.....

    This post started as a 'oh I feel so sorry for me', but has evolved into a 'look at me, I am growing' comment. I have been through the full cycle of grieving, denial, anger, apathy, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance stages and writing the first blog entry was a cathartic experience. I wrote in my post, very frivolously, 'therapy at my fingertips' without really understanding what a huge impact it had on me. 

    It brought me to this week which has become about new beginnings and reaffirmations. I found reaffirmation regarding the vocation (I won't call it career) that I had embarked on two years ago. I have found the passion, the drive to continue onward. I found old friends with new understanding and love which comes with heartache and maturity (Dear Sonora, Thank you!), I have new friends who I have so much respect for as they have been following their path with such sincerity and compassion.  And then, of course, my family, close and extended, what can I say, except I am Blessed!

   I can see my path clearly, I'm sure there are obstacles on the way but at least I know my destination. It is not going to be easy, for a while it is going to be a struggle, There might be some minor missteps, some falls, some uneven roads, but 'Zindagi aa rahi hoon main!


p.s This is definitely my anthem!! 

p.p.s  anthem: a usually rousing popular song that typifies or is identified with a particular subculture, movement, or point of view
   

  

     

   

     

Yesterday was my day to volunteer at TMH, at the Palliative care department. As usual, it was a fairly busy, heavy and hectic day. So many patients, so many people to break the news to, the bad news, the "I'm sorry but the curative treatment has ended" news, the news that now we have reached the 'end-of-life' care.....heartbreaking news.
   
         The usual flow of patients and relatives coming in to the department have been struggling with the disease for a number of years and have the satisfaction of knowing that they did all they could to fight to live.They have been expecting the news that ultimately the cancer has won. They are tired of the constant fear, the endless bouts with the 'Emperor of all Diseases', the treatments that are as difficult as the disease, the nausea, the falling hair,the blackening skin, the RT feeding tubes, the oozing wounds and of course the worst of them all, the debilitating PAIN. When we break the news to such patients, you can see how tired they are. They have the blank eyes of trauma victims, the post war survivors. I am sure if we test them, we will find more than half of them are suffering from PTSD. These families have lost jobs, have their lives turned upside down, and are in financial debt to many.

         As hard as it is to break the news to these long-term survivors, it is harder still to break the news to  those who have just arrived to TMH. These people have come here with great expectations, hope and faith in the country's premier cancer treatment institution. These people go through the diagnosis stage and are then immediately sent to Pall care dept. No cures, no treatment for them. Either their cancer is too far advanced by the time they arrive or the kind that can't be treated. Such people when they come to our department aren't even sure what they are doing there. To hear their response to their prognosis, the oft repeated "are you sure? but we came here directly, how can it be that you can't do anything?"

     Heartbreaking.

          Yesterday was especially hard. We had patients from J&K, Bihar, M.P, U.P,interiors of Maharashtra, A.P. All first-timers to our department. All who had been recently diagnosed with cancer. All with different kinds of cancer. All with thin files indicating that they haven't been given extensive treatments for the simple reason that their cancer was incurable for a multitude of reasons, but 'incurable'. In hindi, we call it 'la-elaaj'. Breaking the news to these patients and watching the hope drain out of their eyes, brimming with tears, beseeching that surely there was something that could be done?

     Yesterday, I was asked questions such as
"Do you believe that prayers can be heard? That faith in God will help my patient?"
"Can we try alternative treatments?"
 "Will my son be able to survive the journey back home?"
 This last question was asked by a 80 year old mother who herself did not look well. Her son, her only relative, unmarried, no siblings, no other family, no friends, who so far had been coming alone for treatments but was asked to call some relative so that they could be informed about the prognosis. So, he brought his mother.And so I broke the news to her. Her hands trembled. Her cataract cloudy eyes brimmed over. I'm sure I must have cried along with her. After talking to me for a while, she told me "bhaiya (she called her son that) ko mat batana," She didn't want to trouble him as he had fever.....And then, she thanked me for breaking the news to her!

        In fact, yesterday I was thanked by all the relatives of patients for breaking the news to them. Thanked by the son who wanted us to help him keep his old mother comfortable till her time came. Thanked by the nineteen year old who wanted information about blood banks in his district so that when his mother needed it, he could rush her there. Thanked by the family of the woman who had a gaping festering wound. Thanked by the son who had flown his father straight out of his hometown to find a cure.

      Yes, yesterday was especially hard for me but for those patients and relatives who were given this prognosis, it must have been excruciating!