Hiatus- a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. 2. a missing part; gap or lacuna

People have been questioning me on what next? What is your plan? How are you moving forward? What career path are you going to take? I can see the worry on my parents face, my siblings look askance, my friends nod their head when I say am on a hiatus to figure things out but I can see skepticism there too.

So what it is that I am really doing now?

 What is it that I want to do?

 Frankly, I don't have a clue! But then that is the reason for this hiatus....What a lovely word is this 'hiatus', it means both, being on a break or a missing part. This is what I feel, that I am on a break because a part of me is missing. I seem to have misplaced it in the innumerable compromises done at the altar of marriage or in the process of just living.

All the hard won independence, strength, ambition, given up because it is only 'right' to compromise in a relationship.
 Really??

I understand that we need to make some changes, some adjustments when we live in a family, certain habits that need to be fine-tuned so that we can comfortably co-exist.... But when we compromise and make changes to our core beliefs, our core personality, our core selves, then, are we truly living? Are we being true to our selves? Are we being who we are or are we donning a mantle that others expect of us? and then is this mantle who we are? The visceral need to be loved and liked by others is what makes us be somebody else. So then, do our compromises make us who we are?

I never understood characters in movies and books who went off to discover themselves and thought that it was very selfish of them especially when they left behind families and children to do so.  But the daily grind of living CAN rob you of the opportunity to self reflect, to introspect and really discover who you are. All our lives we spend living from moment to moment without realizing the many different aspects to ourselves...

 So, what AM I doing when on this hiatus?? I'm moving slowly, reading a lot, talking and connecting with a lot of people (so far only on social media), introspecting, watching a lot of movies, eating good food, thinking of exercising (ha! at least I am thinking, guys!) introspecting some more, forming an opinion on everything, talking to people about many career options, being envious of people who seem to have it together, and a lot of introspection, forming ideas and rejecting them......

There is/was a trend in western countries to take a year off and explore new countries, etc. which I am sure helped them to know what they wanted out of life. I wish our children will do this and know how to go about their lives better.

In my last post I mentioned the anthem I had adopted "Zindagi aa rahi hoon mein" and now I wish to tell this Zindagi, ke aaongi mein but give me this time to realise ke kiddhar jaaon mein.
After all I AM on a hiatus!!

   Today was the day I hammered the final nail in the coffin that was my marriage. The symbolism of the day cannot be missed. Millions of women are celebrating 'karva chauth', an ode to the man in their life, a prayer for their long life and a belief that for the next 7 birth cycles they would be husband and wife. I did not keep this 'fast'. Do not believe that my fasting for a day would contribute to the long life of my husband, I do not believe that regardless of my beliefs I should bow to convention and just do it. My naive, low on confidence self did do it once, for convention's sake, for what will people say.....

    This post started as a 'oh I feel so sorry for me', but has evolved into a 'look at me, I am growing' comment. I have been through the full cycle of grieving, denial, anger, apathy, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance stages and writing the first blog entry was a cathartic experience. I wrote in my post, very frivolously, 'therapy at my fingertips' without really understanding what a huge impact it had on me. 

    It brought me to this week which has become about new beginnings and reaffirmations. I found reaffirmation regarding the vocation (I won't call it career) that I had embarked on two years ago. I have found the passion, the drive to continue onward. I found old friends with new understanding and love which comes with heartache and maturity (Dear Sonora, Thank you!), I have new friends who I have so much respect for as they have been following their path with such sincerity and compassion.  And then, of course, my family, close and extended, what can I say, except I am Blessed!

   I can see my path clearly, I'm sure there are obstacles on the way but at least I know my destination. It is not going to be easy, for a while it is going to be a struggle, There might be some minor missteps, some falls, some uneven roads, but 'Zindagi aa rahi hoon main!


p.s This is definitely my anthem!! 

p.p.s  anthem: a usually rousing popular song that typifies or is identified with a particular subculture, movement, or point of view
   

  

     

   

     

Yesterday was my day to volunteer at TMH, at the Palliative care department. As usual, it was a fairly busy, heavy and hectic day. So many patients, so many people to break the news to, the bad news, the "I'm sorry but the curative treatment has ended" news, the news that now we have reached the 'end-of-life' care.....heartbreaking news.
   
         The usual flow of patients and relatives coming in to the department have been struggling with the disease for a number of years and have the satisfaction of knowing that they did all they could to fight to live.They have been expecting the news that ultimately the cancer has won. They are tired of the constant fear, the endless bouts with the 'Emperor of all Diseases', the treatments that are as difficult as the disease, the nausea, the falling hair,the blackening skin, the RT feeding tubes, the oozing wounds and of course the worst of them all, the debilitating PAIN. When we break the news to such patients, you can see how tired they are. They have the blank eyes of trauma victims, the post war survivors. I am sure if we test them, we will find more than half of them are suffering from PTSD. These families have lost jobs, have their lives turned upside down, and are in financial debt to many.

         As hard as it is to break the news to these long-term survivors, it is harder still to break the news to  those who have just arrived to TMH. These people have come here with great expectations, hope and faith in the country's premier cancer treatment institution. These people go through the diagnosis stage and are then immediately sent to Pall care dept. No cures, no treatment for them. Either their cancer is too far advanced by the time they arrive or the kind that can't be treated. Such people when they come to our department aren't even sure what they are doing there. To hear their response to their prognosis, the oft repeated "are you sure? but we came here directly, how can it be that you can't do anything?"

     Heartbreaking.

          Yesterday was especially hard. We had patients from J&K, Bihar, M.P, U.P,interiors of Maharashtra, A.P. All first-timers to our department. All who had been recently diagnosed with cancer. All with different kinds of cancer. All with thin files indicating that they haven't been given extensive treatments for the simple reason that their cancer was incurable for a multitude of reasons, but 'incurable'. In hindi, we call it 'la-elaaj'. Breaking the news to these patients and watching the hope drain out of their eyes, brimming with tears, beseeching that surely there was something that could be done?

     Yesterday, I was asked questions such as
"Do you believe that prayers can be heard? That faith in God will help my patient?"
"Can we try alternative treatments?"
 "Will my son be able to survive the journey back home?"
 This last question was asked by a 80 year old mother who herself did not look well. Her son, her only relative, unmarried, no siblings, no other family, no friends, who so far had been coming alone for treatments but was asked to call some relative so that they could be informed about the prognosis. So, he brought his mother.And so I broke the news to her. Her hands trembled. Her cataract cloudy eyes brimmed over. I'm sure I must have cried along with her. After talking to me for a while, she told me "bhaiya (she called her son that) ko mat batana," She didn't want to trouble him as he had fever.....And then, she thanked me for breaking the news to her!

        In fact, yesterday I was thanked by all the relatives of patients for breaking the news to them. Thanked by the son who wanted us to help him keep his old mother comfortable till her time came. Thanked by the nineteen year old who wanted information about blood banks in his district so that when his mother needed it, he could rush her there. Thanked by the family of the woman who had a gaping festering wound. Thanked by the son who had flown his father straight out of his hometown to find a cure.

      Yes, yesterday was especially hard for me but for those patients and relatives who were given this prognosis, it must have been excruciating!